Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Should I stay or should I go?

I've been having a very difficult time in Thailand. This has absolutely nothing to do with Thailand. I do actually like the country, people, food, etc... Quite a bit, which is making this all the harder. While I like Thailand, I haven't been having a lot of fun since I got here. It comes in waves, at times I'm fine, then the slightest thing will just crush me, shatter whatever peace I had temporarily found. Yesterday I was indulging in a little retail therapy. While pondering snacks and a dress what starts playing over the loud speaker? Michael Buble's song "home". You've GOT to be kidding me?!!? It was to much. My precarious tether of happiness/making the best of it promptly snapped.  I had to leave the market. Now I can't get the song out of my head. Great.

When you spend your time in a foreign country doing the smallest most basic tasks can become mountainous. Things like finding lodging, transport, and food, can quickly become overwhelming. Especially when you're hot, sweaty, and tired; the deadliest combination known to man. Food in particular, I struggle with. Partially it's because I tend to save that for last, stupid I know. So there gets to be points in the day where I just can't be bothered. It's to much, maybe I'll try again later. Or get ANOTHER iced latte. Trains can also be difficult to navigate, see Chiang Mai post.
I'm lonely as hell. All those tales of the backpacker trail, filled with people from a cross the globe, liars. Oh sure, there are people, but they all brought their bf/gf or buddy. Guess I didn't get that memo. I have gone for days now where my only conversations are with people who don't speak English. I'm not sure the last time I had a conversation that wasn't partially mimed. When I do speak to other backpackers, it's the same conversation. Where are you from? Where have you been? Where are you going? And there's only so many conversations you can have with yourself before you start feeling like you're bipolar.This weeks self discovery, I like being with people. I can't go days with being alone. I'm tired of living in my head. I find myself staring jealously at people who have a friend with them. Which is creepy, I realize.

I'm dangerously close to breaking down and coming home for a few weeks in an attempt to re-group for the remaining months. Yet, the constant question swirling around my tornado-like mind is, could I leave again? It was hard enough the first time. So, should I stay or should I go?

2 comments:

  1. Awww Clarissa! One I could NEVER do what you are doing so the rest of this post does not come from experience! BUT I think you should stay unless there is a physical reason such as injury to come home (or you reach a severely poor mental state). I went home for a week and I am more home sick than ever. No granted I am not as far from home as you but I do not have cool things to see and do. Nate is gone most of the time and it is hot and there are a lot of animals around that I never wished to live near. This is just part of your learning experience! How much time do you have there? Maybe contact a travel company that can hook you up with a group. Also if you are going to be there for a bit or can be there for a bit maybe look into teaching some english classes or a hospital or orphanage to volunteer at like the other places. Stay strong and I miss you.

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  2. It makes me so sad to see this post!!! I miss you very much but am so glad you get to experience this. Make the most of it. Hearing you talk about your cooking classes was uplifting. I know that is something you really enjoy. You will have a guinea pig for practice when you get home!!

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